11/11/08
The six month mark of Samuel's Heavenly birth has come and gone. Half a year we have somehow survived without him with us. The last six months has certainly been a time of reflection for me. A time to make peace with the past, learn from it and try to move forward with the wisdom gained. I continue to ask myself over and over, "What am I supposed to do now?" Reality in my house is extremely sobering as we contemplate the past and the future.
The eve of the six month anniversary also happened to be Mark's 40th birthday. (He will love that I just wrote that!) I stopped myself on that day and thought back to May 7th and then May 8th and how horrifying it was to actually live through it. The pain of waiting for the inevitable, hoping for a miracle, watching him suffer, wishing it was over, wanting him to stay with me, and then after he left, the aftermath which we knew would come. The bitter wound, the once again shattered pieces of our lives, the black hole if felt like we would never find the way out of. Now, six months later, that is behind us. I am glad. The scab over the wound that was so easily ripped off has now toughened up. The wound is still present, but the rawness of it has thankfully passed. I thought about how Samuel knows so much more about his own life than we do because he is on the side of eternity. He continues to know my heart while I live here and on the night of Nov. 7th, I just had such a hard time equating life as we know it here, to what is to come. I hate life on earth. If that sounds terrible to say, let me share this. Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world.”- 1 John 2:15-16 My hope is in Jesus and with that knowledge I am thankful that life on earth is the only Hell I will ever know.
Mark, Daniel and I spent some time this past weekend watching some historical programs and things learned from different eras. The evils of man flood through history and the time period does not seem to matter. It is a vicious cycle that goes over and over. I also sat down with Kaysha and Anna to watch one of Samuel's dinosaur shows from Discovery Channel. Anna absolutely loves the real life imagery and I am certain that she keeps Samuel alive within her by watching his shows. . As I watched the brutality of survival of the fittest, I asked myself what the difference was between a vicious animal and a man without God. I did not see one. The vicious animals were perfectly nice to their "own kind" as long as there was enough food to eat. But in hard times, they would turn on them as well. Humans have done this all throughout history and they do this today. I am not talking about cannibalism though there is that too, but rather all the lying, cheating, stealing and murdering that goes on to gain more power, money, more material things, or a longer life. It is the fear of death that drives most to the ultimate evils after all. Godless people certainly don't want to die and I wonder if somewhere in their soul, they sense the fear and dread of hell. So many people don't do "the right thing" because either they have no clue what that is, or it is not convenient at the time. How many people chose not to do the right thing for Samuel when he was alive due to any of the above reasons? Many! How many of them stood by knowing he suffered for it, knowing they had the power to help but did nothing? Many!
The evil of this world is so much more evident as we continue to pick up the pieces of our lives. There is tragedy everywhere and it breaks my heart over and over to hear about it. Someone sent me a note over the weekend that said that even though she had also experienced the loss of a child, she still did not know what to say to another parent who was going through the same. I have to say I understood that sentiment well. I know I was better about sending supportive messages BEFORE Samuel left us. But now after, it is much harder to do because I know that there is NOTHING that can be said that will make it better. There is nothing that can be given to make it better. The raw pain has only one healer and either you turn to God or you turn from God. I cannot make that choice for another and it is painful to watch someone turn away from God and look to the world for solace. It is NOT there. I wonder if the families struck by tragedy have anyone in their lives who will help them reach out to God and find solace. Or will they all be too busy with their lives to care beyond the first few days. One thing history proves is that tragedy comes to ALL people at one time or another. How will you cope when your turn comes up? Who will you turn to? Do you know how to help someone else? I really have come to the conclusion that most people don't know how to help others cope and even tragedy is now survival of the fittest. May God help us endure the days to come because tragedy is striking everywhere. We need to wake up and figure out who we are in Christ and act accordingly.
On Mark's birthday, I received a birthday greeting e-mail that I am certain was from his twin sister. She did not sign her name of course but based on the language we know who sent it. By the way, sign your name when you send me e-mail else I wonder what you are hiding. Anyway, I bet you did not know Mark has a twin! Of course you don't because she had an identity crisis right before Kaysha was born and in a round about way, she abandoned her two children and ran off with someone she met on the Internet. It was an absolute horror to the entire family and as a result, Mark's parents have been raising his sister's kids for over 12 years now.. She still lives in the state but hasn't seen them in years and they don't want to see her either. When I received the e-mail, I called Mark and asked him, "How is it possible for two kids, twins, raised in the same family to have families of their own and one of them abandons her perfectly healthy children because she doesn't want to be a mother anymore and the other would have died to save his son? The other NEVER left his son's side no matter how bad it got. We never even considered dumping Samuel an option. It is a sickening thought to even think. How is it possible that those very same twins grew up, one as a Daddy's girl and the other such an awful kid that people ask his Mom if he is in jail? If you asked someone which kid they thought would abandon their own kids based on the behaviors of their childhood, they would have unanimously answered Mark. What happened here?" Well, Mark said he never really thought about it until I mentioned it. I can tell you exactly what happened. Neither were brought up in a home that acknowledged God and Mark has told me that as a child he had NO conscience. And the things he got away with as a kid back then would be NOTHING compared to what kids do today. Mark says that one day he just stopped being hideous and he doesn't remember why. When we met, as most of you know, we have never been apart since other than when tragedy took us away from each other. The relationship was right and we both knew it. Mark, however still did not believe in God. He was a "good" person, but he had no need for God. We married less than two years after we met and little by little, God got into him through me, through his children. God is stronger than any devil. When tragedy struck, Mark had enough God inside him to know what the right thing to do was. He did not run away from his family because taking care of Samuel would have taken the fun right out of his life. He did not have an identify crisis. I say that knowing about many families who simply dropped off their child when it got too hard for them to "have a good life" and take care of their child. How does someone just dump their kids, healthy or not? I ask that knowing his own sister abandoned her perfectly healthy children. What would his sister have done had one of her children been terminal? Now she doesn't get that choice.
How does someone choose to murder their child? How does a young child decide to murder his parents? How does this happen? Godlessness. Humans acting like animals without thought of future consequences to either themselves or those who suffer because of them. And you know what? Most often, someone stands by these Godless people and encourages them. Someone tells them their choices don't matter. Someone else stood by watching knowing it was wrong but said nothing. That person is equally as Godless. How could the people who claimed to be Christians stand by and watch Samuel suffer when they had the power to do the right thing but didn't? Godlessness. Raising our children to know God matters. Don't leave it to chance thinking they can figure it out for themselves as adults. Mark got lucky. Someone somewhere BEFORE I met him was a Godly influence on him. It was NOT a family member though. Mark's parents have chosen to raise his sister's children with the knowledge of God. Praise Him for that!
Knowing God does not mean going to church and being religious so don't be deceived. Knowing God means relationship directly with Him. If you don't have a direct relationship with God, when hard decisions come up, you will always choose the easy Godless way. If you have surrounded yourself with Godless people, you will follow them. God has shown me over and over that He truly loves not just me, but all of us on earth. He wants us to know Him. His plan was never for us to live like this. It still isn't. Once you experience God's love, you DO NOT want to hurt Him. You DO NOT want to go against His will. If you do, it is accidental and you repent immediately. But if all God is to you is a bunch of ridiculous rules and laws to follow, you don't know Him. If you know God, then right and wrong are obvious and you don't have to ask a bunch of people around you to help you choose which decision brings the most benefit. Once you have a "God" encounter, you will never be the same. The need to help our children to "know" God before they go out into the world is great. They need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is real, He will speak to them directly, and He loves them. Once they get that into their hearts, they won't turn from it. If all they get from church is a bunch of rules and religious junk, they will flee from it as soon as the chance comes to do so. What and who is in their hearts will ultimately determine what they do in life. Who WE are at the very core determines the choices we make. When I see and hear about things people do, or have done, I ask myself what was in their heart at the time. Once again, we live in a critical time where what is in the heart's of our leaders will either heal our nations or destroy them. I continue to see the rich getting richer and the poor suffering for it. What is in their hearts? More importantly WHO is in their hearts? Actions speak louder than words. It is reality check time and I know I have been searching my own heart as of late and asking God to weed out what He does not want there.
I long to live with Jesus. I long for the day when He is King and all the wrongs of this life are righted. I long for peace, trust, and safety. All things that we will never have on the earth without Jesus as King. There will come a day but it is so hard to imagine as I bandage my heart. My heart is crying out to God to open the eyes of His people and send Jesus to stop the vicious cycles here. Are you crying out to God to heal the earth and right the wrongs here? This past weekend, I thought of Samuel's life here and how much he suffered. I thought of how much we ALL suffered because of the torments he endured. Now we suffer life without him. I cannot even imagine how God could heal my heart and soul from the trials I have had to endure here. While I am so much stronger than I was six months ago, I am in no way whole, healed, or fine. There must be something unexplainably tremendously great in the presence of God to heal our hearts and forever stop the tears and the bloodshed. I don't know what that would be, but I long for it nonetheless. I am crying out to God for it!
I am aware of people who have been "dead" and gone to Heaven for the amount of time it took for someone to bring them back to life on earth. Every one of them was sad to come back here because of the tremendous weight of life on earth. They only had a glimpse of what is to come and even that went beyond all earthly comprehension and many could not even find words to describe it. You would think that your memories of trial and tragedy might need to be erased when you arrive in Heaven but I know that doesn't happen. Samuel proves over and over to me that he is well aware of my life here, my thoughts and the life he led on earth. And he is happy. I long for the day when we look back on our life here without the "weight" of still living it out with all the uncertainly and tragedy that comes with it.. Perhaps that is where the healing comes in. Healing because you know life like that will never happen again. Samuel knows that nothing will ever hurt him again. He is free of the worry of what tomorrow might bring. I long to be with Jesus, family, and friends in a place where joy abounds. Real life begins with love and builds from there. That is not true of earth. This is not the way God intended for us to live. We were not designed for this and yet somehow, our human spirit endures tragedy after tragedy and finds some sort of hope and reason to go on. Could it be that deep within us we know the hope of God is real even if our conscious mind hasn't figured it out yet? Or is it just the fear of our own death that drives us on? It is one or the other, of that I am sure.
Samuel sent me two messages on Nov. 7th. Both in Anna's room, his old room, through the radio, at two different times. The first one was the song "Amazing Grace." I walked into the room for these lines 'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fears relieved How precious did that grace appear, The hour I first believed. My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy rains Unending love, Amazing grace." There was Samuel answering my deepest thoughts, my deepest hurts, reminding me that he is free from the chains of this life. And he is happy with his God. The line, "How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed," made me think again, of him calling out to Jesus as his only hope, and Jesus answering freeing him from the chains of life here. All this in the room I was standing in putting Anna to bed, listening as she said her prayers. I held back the tears. There is amazing grace for us all!
Around 2am on Nov. 7th, Anna woke me up saying she had a bad dream. I have to think Samuel is having lots of fun up there using Anna to bring me messages! The time was right, his usual time to wake me up to tell me something when he was still here. I walked her back to her room to tuck her in and "I Can Only Imagine," was playing. It must have been a live version though because a whole crowd of people were singing the song. At that moment, I envisioned a crowd of children in Heaven singing to us here on earth. And I realized that those who have gone before us CAN imagine what it will be like when we step into eternity, into the presence of God, and back into their arms as well. They KNOW what is in store for us because they are living it and they cannot wait for us to get there to share in it. It was Samuel singing to me at that moment, but it was also all the others who are up there waiting for us. It was such a powerful moment to ponder. Honestly, I cannot imagine Heaven. From my view here, I cannot imagine what I might find there that would heal the wounds I walk with here. But Samuel knows. And apparently he is not the only one up there waiting, there was a multitude singing. Our hope for the ultimate soul healing is in Jesus. Samuel reminded me of that hope when no one on earth knew what to say. The citizens of Heaven today must pray for us on earth all the time. I bet they try to send us messages of hope and most of us miss them. "Press on, keep going, life with God is worth it all!" Are you hearing that enough?
We spent Nov. 8th at Shabat. We attended this church for the first time the Saturday before after I found them by chance online and listened to their studies with the kids for a few weeks. It was obvious that this was a pastor that was all about serving God, and making disciples to do the same. They let the Bible interpret itself and actually teach from it. I have been in different churches my whole life and have never found anything like this. We attended in person to see if the people lined up with the teachings and were not disappointed. Mark enjoyed the service and from the standpoint of someone who has been brought up thinking churches were all crooks, that is saying a lot. Everything he hated about "the church" is not found in this congregation's services. The other church we were attending was fine and we liked it alright, but I could not get past a feeling that we were still missing something. I found what was missing. Every study is recorded and posted to the net so anyone can be part of the church family. If you want to deepen your relationship with God, jump in. You won't be disappointed. And if you don't know God, it is a great place to start. We spent three months at a different church and Mark was still saying, "I'm new at this/" I can guarantee you, after three months in this church, he won't be saying that. If you are a new believer in Jesus and have spent three months at a church but still feel like you barely have a clue about God and all the congregation are still just acquaintances, it is time to move on. The teachings here have blown everything I have been a part of before right out of the water. I believe we have finally found our church home and going in person has been the highlight of my week.
I met a lady the week before when we attended with whom I felt an immediate bond. She was the first person who greeted us when we arrived. We ended up exchanging contact info. By the second week there, the staff saved seats in the front for my family so I could actually see what was going on during the service. Many people sought us out to meet us and the lady I met the weekend before sat next to me and read me all the words to the songs so I could sing them. Even though we sat in the front and I still could not read the overhead. As a result, they are printing out the songs on paper for me next week. Interestingly enough, this lady has several Delma qualities and lives very near to me.. One of my prayers over the last several months has been to find Godly friend IRL. Hmm, what is God up to? The first week I met her, she grabbed my hand and led me around to meet people as if we had been friends for years. Definitely a Delma thing. Her husband is legally blind without his glasses on so she immediately had a good idea of what I could and could not see which was really nice for a change. Last Saturday as we sang the songs together, it was like standing next to Delma. She was a couple inches shorter than me, read petite since I am 5'4". Delma was 5'2". This lady could sing. Delma used to sing on the radio as a teen in Nebraska so she and I always sang audibly in church together and enjoyed that time so much. The lady read me the words and then we sang together, our voices blended perfectly and for those minutes, I was so reminded of being alongside Delma in church. There was so much joy in that and if you think about it, it was such a simple thing to do, yet God knew how much joy I would feel because of it. It was such a treat to sit alongside someone who just enjoyed being there; someone who wanted to be there as much as I did. So many people came up after the service to be certain I could see and they will continue to save us seats from now on. After service each week they have a pot luck lunch so we stayed and met more people and our kids had a blast with the other kids there. I shared a little of Samuel's life with so many and the love and support I received was overwhelming since it came from people who never knew him. I realized that on that day, I was in a place where people took care of me and that I needed that more than I knew. It was like being a child in school again back when the teachers actually cared if I could see and participate in class. It wasn't me pretending everything was fine, it was them knowing and caring that it wasn't. It was the compassion of Jesus. It was nice in those short hours, to have my own spirit cared for. Mark and I are strong for each other, strong for the kids, each person with their own wounds trying to heal someone else's. We encourage each other and we take care of our children but I realized that during this time, it is nice when outsiders take care of us occasionally too. This is what the family of God is supposed to do. I remember people at Delma's church being this way, but it just seemed like we would never find it again. God led me to it. And He brought a person into my life who reminds me of Delma. Her family is her number 1 priority and it is obvious. That was Delma. She knew what mattered in life and that is the kind of person I am drawn to. I am really looking forward to what God has in store for me as far as a friendship with this "Delma" He found me. He really knows how to get my attention doesn't He! How cool would it be for Him to lead me to a friendship with a lady with so many Delma qualities! But that is God! He knows exactly what I need and when I needed it. It was a glorious way to spend Samuel's six month anniversary in Heaven all divinely planned by God and maybe Delma and Samuel too.
God continues to put our lives back together piece by piece. It sometimes feels like a painfully long process. I just want to feel better NOW. I want the plan NOW. But that is not how God works. Things attained quickly often vanish just as quickly and are seldom appreciated. Tragedy has a way of making what is truly important in life on earth clear. I have always been careful in choosing who and what I will allow into my life. I have always been conscious of wasting my time on things that don't matter. God knows my heart and He continues to meet me exactly where I am, and He guides me exactly where I need to go. I realized the reason for that is because I know how to hear Him and I obey. My relationship with Him today is far different than it was six months ago or even six years ago. Prior to Samuel's physical death, I knew ABOUT God. I heard from Him at pivotal times but there was no ongoing communication. Today, that has changed. A relationship with God IS like a treasure hunt. Only YOU are His treasure and He has always known that fact. The treasure hunt reveals to you that He is YOUR treasure. I have missed out on the treasure that God is for 35 years because I never took the time to really get to know Him. I only know OF Him. The difference is huge. He continues to reveal treasures to me as I continue to seek His face. Treasures no man can give. Treasures I did not even know I needed to find. Treasure that heal my soul in ways I cannot express in human language. He sometimes uses His people one earth to do it. Sometimes treasures come through Samuel's signs. Sometimes I see Delma's hands in them. I feel joy in knowing that my family in Heaven is SO invested in me here that they somehow get God to let them communicate with me. If you are not receiving treasures from God, you're missing something: something big and great. Search it out. Keep going for God. Clean out your heart, clean out your life if you need to and realize that He is your treasure. Nothing on earth compares to the treasures of God and if you are down and out today, let me encourage you as your Sister in Christ. Look up, cry out, open your eyes and listen. He will answer. The answers may not come instantly, but in the words of Jesus, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Matthew 7: 7-8.
10/31/08
God can be trusted. I read these words today as the closing of a huge praise report. These words are so easy to say when things are going good. It is so easy to say them when God answers prayer the way YOU want Him to. It is also easy for others who have been praying for you to praise Him, call Him good, and almighty. Certainly, miracles are a great testimony of God's love for us and I can claim many miracles in my own walk. But what about when we don't get a miracle? What about when your whole world shatters around you? What do you say about God then?
In the years of Samuel's struggles, I have come to know many families with children fighting cancer. I have followed their journeys, prayed for them, felt their joy and their sorrows. I have followed many who have lost their children. Countless faces now absent from earth rejoicing, whole, happy and free in Heaven waiting for their parents to join them. I have grown fond of many families over the years and regardless of whether their child lived or died, I still follow their journey if they choose to continue to share it. As I walk my own path after loss, I have looked upon the many families who are ahead of me for hope. Unfortunately, many families stop updating after loss because it is either too hard, or often times, because people stop being interested in them and their feelings are hurt
I have found over the past four years that when an urgent prayer request is sent out, flocks of people answer the call. When a death is imminent, it is almost as if many people come just to see what God is going to do. During Samuel's last week on earth, his update page had 10k hits a day far surpassing the average couple hundred hits per day for the years before. And I appreciate so much all the prayer support offered up at that time so don't take this the wrong day. I just wonder how many of the 10k, most of which never knew Samuel until his last days, walked away saying, "God can be trusted" especially in light of my recording of the night he left and how at that time, it seemed so cruel. As God has revealed to me what was REALLY going on during those last moments, I have been healed and blessed by them and al the feelings of horror are gone I really see that Samuel made a choice that morning to get up and go to Heaven, instead of getting up on earth and continuing to suffer. . But finding the "truth" certainly did not happen overnight. It has been a work in progress.
I have watched families deal with life after loss in many ways and as I stated, I looked for hope after Samuel left because I wanted to KNOW that life does go on. God does rebuild. I know God rebuilds but I have learned from my own experience that you have to ALLOW Him to do it. You have to make that choice. I have several books on grief and living through loss and even they don't provide much hope. It is just horror after horror and maybe ten years after the fact, you might be okay again. NOT good enough. The grief books tell you that there is no right or wrong way to deal with loss. Everyone moves at their own pace. And, if you watch families, they follow this to the letter. No two are alike. I have watched families self-destruct for years. I have watched people who a few years after loss, still seem the same as they day of the tragedy. I have also found a small few who trusted God's decision and found hope and had their joy restored. They made a conscious choice to trust God and live again and the difference between making that choice or not is huge. When Samuel relapsed last year, I sat down with our favorite social worker, Mary, and told her I had way too much work to do to cry about relapse. If Samuel died, they I would have plenty of time for tears. Believe me, I have shed them. I have had lots of time to do so. But there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, get up and start walking again. I honor Samuel with my tears and that is well and good, but I honor him more by walking in his example. He lived his life joyfully even though he suffered physically for much of it. He did not want me to be sad when he was dying and I am certain he doesn't want me to be sad when he is healed. I haven't lived a "sad" or "worthless" day in months. Moments do occasionally pierce, but overall, I can and do function. That in itself, amazes ME!
It has been nearly six months since Samuel left us and I can tell you that in the last couple weeks, a dramatic weight has lifted off me. I can look over the journal entries from the past several months and see with each one written, a little weight was shifted to God and off of me. I am amazed at how much God has shown me, given me and healed me from the painful memories and it is ALL because I surrendered MY WILL to Him. Not MY will, but His will. I know if I follow Him, things will be easier and they are. One of the emotions I never had toward God was anger. People here on earth made me angry, especially at the end of Samuel's days. But I always knew God had carried us through it all. But in that "black hole," those first few weeks, I just did not know what to do with myself, my kids or with God. So, I told Him just that. "I want to worship you, I want to praise you, I want to honor you and thank you, but I have NOTHING to offer you right now. Where are you? I can't live like this. I hurt too much. Fix my heart so that it is right again." I knew I was freefalling into a pit of sorrow on that day and I had no idea of how to get out of it.
I was listening to a pastor talking about the ways God speaks to us and as he was going down the list of ways, the last one was through animals. "If God can't get to you any other way, He will use an animal to get your attention." I laughed as I recalled that it was the very next day after the above prayer that God supernaturally gave me the place where Bud is now. Remember how cool that was when I called the wrong number and got exactly what I was looking for and had been looking for for years? That event got my attention, Mark's attention and the attention of the owners of the property as well. God responded to my cry and He used my horse to show me He is still here And after that, He started raining down treasures for me to find which healed my heart daily. He gave me answers to hard questions, some which were hard to work through, but worth it nonetheless. He has revealed His love for me and I am getting to know Him in a way I did not know was possible. God has been my friend when no one else knew what to do or say. I actually feel sorry that all the 10k's of visitors during the last week of Samuel's life here did not stick around to witness what God did next and what He continues to do. They will miss me telling you that God CAN be trusted. You can trust Him in the good times and you absolutely NEED to trust Him in the bad times. If I don't have God with me, I don't want to live. It would be too painful! Only He can heal and restore. No human could do what God has done in my spirit. I continue to praise Him for the raining down of blessings, treasures and answers He provides me daily.
Do you realize that someone's child dies daily? Hourly? Minute by minute a mother watches her child take their last breath here. Sadly, I am aware of a couple families whose children joined Samuel this week. I am sad for the families but happy for their children. I read, "Why does God allow my child to keep suffering like this?" Certainly a question we asked especially in the end. Why does it have to be so awful? As I read the question and thought of our own questions, the answer was given to me in spirit and it was so clear and obvious that I don't know how I missed it. God has given it to me previously but it never clicked until I read it in someone else's life. The night before Samuel left us, I asked God why He allowed Samuel to suffer all he did and He answered me then that Samuel CHOSE to stay and endure because he loved us. That was incredibly enlightening on that day but in light of some of what God has revealed to me over the past month, there is more. God is a gentleman. He created us and gave us a free will. You can choose Him, or you can reject Him. You can choose life, or you can choose destruction. Your choice. I realized that God does not allow our children to suffer in vain but rather He is waiting on them to finish their last tasks here. He is waiting for their hearts to finish everything they have left to do here. I thought back to Samuel's last days. We told him that he could go to Heaven whenever he wanted. His answer was, "Okay, well not yet. I am not ready yet." I noticed that this line Samuel spoke has been repeated by other children as well. It is as if they knew they still had some things to do here. God honored their wishes. He waited. Often children state they see angels in their last days on earth who say they are waiting for them, ready to take them to Heaven. The children tell them, "Not yet." So they wait. On Samuel's last night here, he got stronger as the night progressed. Not weaker. I truly thought he would have another day or two in that state. When he woke me up early in the morning asking me to help him, I told him, "Mommy can't help you, you need to call out to Jesus." At first, he told me he couldn't call Jesus. I assured him that Jesus was the ONLY one who could help him at that point. I believe it was at that moment that he realized that calling Jesus meant healing, staying meant suffering. Perhaps Samuel wanted to give me one last chance to "do something" since preciously we were able to stop the end from coming. I assured him I could not help him at that point. It is extremely sobering when you REALLY realize that you are just a human, you are NOT God. As much as I wanted to fix him, I could do no more. That moment was so hard for me in light of all God had let me do for Samuel in the past. Samuel always knew Jesus was healing him, but he was well aware that often times I was the instrument that put the food and medicines in him. Perhaps it was at that moment that Samuel gave his trust and his life to Jesus fully. I wonder if in one of his dreams before leaving us, Jesus told him to call when he was ready to go because he sure left after calling out. I believe that in his heart, he was finally done here. He called out to Jesus to help him and I cried knowing that I was helpless and had been helpless for weeks at that point. I don't know how much time elapsed between him calling Jesus and him waking me up because he was leaving. Not much because we were up about 15 times that night and we went to bed at 9pm and he left before six. Not much time elapsed. He was ready to go, he made a conscious choice and he left. God didn't steal him from this life with Samuel crying out, "Wait, I am not ready! Not today!" He waited for him to be ready, to be finished here. When I read about the last days of other children, I can clearly see what is going on in the spiritual realm now. God is waiting. Yes, as a parent sitting by watching, it feels hideous. But knowing what I know now, it brings comfort. I know Samuel forgot every second of pain he endured here the second he walked out of his body. He left it being completely done with it. And of course, let's not forget, he is waiting for us!
I realized this past week that while Samuel's story and life were not what I would have chosen had I been given the option, God gave me his life. God gave me Samuel and we were able to write the story of his life by the choices we made and our trust in God. There was so much love. So much joy. The highs were incredible. He soared like an eagle above his circumstances so much of the time. I did not think I could be any more proud of him, but daily I continue to be. This web site is Samuel's story. Our story. God's glory. It has been good. It has hurt a lot. It is unfathomable that we lived it in so many ways. But it is the life God gave us. Samuel is the life God blessed us with. I would not trade with anyone what I have experienced or the love I have known with this precious son. Not for a minute. Samuel is worth everything I had, everything I had to give. I look forward to our reunion daily but I do so knowing that my life is still being written here so I need to live it accordingly. Praise God for lighting my path, bringing me hope daily and honoring my submission to Him.
God is good, He is merciful, He is a gentleman, He LOVES us all, and He CAN be trusted.
10/27/08
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”- Psalm 51:12
The joy of salvation is knowing that whether my life is for one more hour or sixty more years, the Lord has a place for me in Heaven, the world yet to come, and He is waiting for me. My Mom shared a dream with me last week that she had the night before. Somehow in trying to run from a blazing fire, she accidentally ran off a cliff. She thought, "Uh oh!" But then called out to those who were helplessly watching her fall to her death, "See you in Heaven." She had no fear of what she knew was coming. That is a joy of salvation. Eternal hope even in the face of death. Knowing that you are ALWAYS in God's hands.
Grant me a willing spirit to sustain me for however many days I have left here. That is my prayer. I know my eternal hope well. But I want to live a life that doesn't feel like I am just going through the motions with the stabbing pain of living without Samuel. Every time I enter Anna's room, Samuel's old room, I remember that it was there that he left this world. It was in that room that his body drew it's last breath. It was there that he spoke his last words here. It hurts a lot. Even though I know what I know, it still aches to enter that space. Last night, I was putting Anna's clothes away and she came along to play while I did it and I could not help but feel a burden of sorrow. She looked at me and asked if I was sad. Yes. Then wanted to know why I was sad. Because I miss Samuel. Then she wanted to know if I was going to cry. No. The she said, "Well, you are not a baby, so you don't cry, right?" You have to love the theology there. She reminded me that Samuel is waiting and watching us so I don't have to be sad anymore. This from the child who daily saves toys for him to play with, daily talks about him and longs for that day when they can play again.
Delight yourself also in the LORD,And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
I have been delighting myself in God so much in the past several months. Spending time with Him, studying his Word, letting Him be my teacher, comforter and counselor has comforted my spirit more than any person, place or thing on this earth. The Lord has been giving me the desires of my heart and you would be surprised at what those desires are! Nothing the world has to offer, I can tell you that. The desires that satisfy my heart have all been eternal things. Things which are starting to rain down from Heaven on me. An amazing experience. I ask God for His wisdom and He answers. Desires of my heart are certainly to know how to rebuild the gates around my family and restore life, fulfillment and joy to our household.
Last week we celebrated Kaysha's 12th birthday. (Only 4 more years until she can drive and we won't be stuck at home 24/7!) The usual 7 day celebration has been in effect but Sunday before last was the day the extended families came together. My Mom came earlier than Mark's parents and brought me some treasure. She has been slowly cleaning out her boxes of keepsakes from our childhood as well as apparently Delma's treasures. She brought me a bundle of things to look through. Interestingly enough, as I was writing the previous update and thinking about the questions I had for Samuel, the questions I asked when Delma died rolled around my head. Questions answered by people left behind, but never answered by Delma herself the way Samuel speaks to me. I haven't heard from Delma often and when I do get a sense of Delma is often when I am doing something that feels like she did it. Sometimes it will be when I wear clothing that reminds me of patterns she would wear. Sometimes it is when we all get ready to go to church. No direct messages though. One of the questions I had for her was, "Did she really know how much I loved her? Did she really know how important she was in my life? Did I tell her enough?" As I said, my heart's desires are raining down around me as of late and as I started going through the things my Mom brought over, I was surrounded with the love of Delma AND her husband, Mac. The box had several letters I wrote to Delma when I was between 10-12 years old. I started reading them silently but was so overjoyed that I had to read them out loud to everyone. I was amazed at my own words!
The first, a birthday greeting where I wrote, "When any grandma has a birthday, big deal. But when YOU have a birthday, it is a BIG deal because I love you very very very very very very very very very very very very very much....and that's a lot!" The next letter starts out, "Dear Beloved, Beautiful, and etc. Grandma." There were several where I thanked her for doing the things she normally did but meant so much to me. And there are a few more in the pile which are similar but these were the stand outs. I KNOW she knew how much I loved her because I was expressing it early in both words and actions. There were my answers to questions I thought about right after she died, and just two days before writing the previous update. Kaysha had a hard time wrapping her mind around that kind of love as we talked about Delma later that night after the party. She said, "I have never loved anyone like that." I pray she will one day. I pray all my children will have a love like that!
Love is unique from individual to individual and we certainly do not love two people the same way. All relationships are as unique as we are. I pray that each of my children will experience a love like the one I have with Delma. My Mom also brought me one of Delma's photo albums which was packed with fond memories. I could feel the love bursting from the pages as I shared it with my children. It really reminded me what is important, as if I didn't know, but it took me to a whole new dimension in thinking of how much one person's love can change your whole life. Certainly the love I share with Delma started at birth just as the love I share with Samuel did and I do believe that God absolutely planted the seeds early for these loves to blossom the way they did. Interesting that both of these loves were my own blood ties. What ingredients made them so special?
When I think of my relationship with Delma many things stand out. Delma and Mac as a unit were a perfect example of a Christ like family. When you were at their house, you felt safe and you felt loved. They were the only stable relationship I grew up with. Sure, my parents stayed married while we were kids, but their relationship was always uncertain and even as young children, we sensed it. We clung to our Mom and hid from our Dad. My Dad chose not to believe in God and if left to his care, we would have never grown up with any knowledge of faith. I am so thankful for my Mom and her parents love of Jesus. Unfortunately my Dad's anti God views choked out a lot of Jesus in the house I grew up in. This is why God commanded that we NOT be married to an unbeliever. It chokes Jesus out and creates an atmosphere of uneasiness in a family. I know from experience that it did in the family I grew up with. It is amazing looking back at how strong the draw of Jesus was on my life even so. I was drawn to my grandparents and their home because of the perfect love that was within the walls there. It certainly did not exist at my home. My grandparents taught me what a Godly marriage looks like by living it. My grandparents taught me about unconditional love between family members. My grandparents taught us all about right vs. wrong and did it in a way that was void of condemnation. I have yet to meet someone who can do it like that today. And they loved us so much that under no circumstances did we want to disappoint them. They spent quality and quantity time with us. They treated us like we were important no matter what age we were. They shared things they enjoyed with them and we showed them how to love the things we enjoyed as well. They put us first whenever we came to visit but never in a way of being spoiled by material things. I don't really remember too many material things they gave me, but I remember all the time they spent with me. All the conversations. And center to all of it was the knowledge and love of Jesus. They took the time to share Jesus with us, take us to church, talk about the "end times" whenever we asked and a lot more when we did not. They were quick to correct behaviors they did not like before bigger issues grew from them. And if you needed something, they were there, always. They were always interested in every aspect of our lives. For the past ten years, I have worn Delma's wedding ring as if it is my own and it is a reminder of the marriage and loving relationships I strive for daily. When my Mom gave it to me, I was thrilled to find it fit my finger perfectly! It is so special to me and is now more than likely 70 years old. What is overwhelming to me today is to think about Samuel being with Delma now. While he may not have ever met her, he certainly had to recognize that "love."
As I looked through all Delma's pictures, I was reminded of all the things I learned from her about love, about life, about Jesus. I wished my own children had such an example in their lives on a grandparent level. Because of Delma and Mac, the love of Jesus was passed down to me in way that not only made it feel real, but a way that has forever impacted my life. It wasn't something you learn at church, it was something you learn by experience. It was something that drew me even as a young child. They were the light in the darkness. Delma lives on through the words and actions she lived and left behind. My children absolutely KNOW who Delma is and I imagine that many of you have a good introduction to her as well. As extended family, they did their Godly duty. When they moved to Heaven, they handed off the torch to their children and grandchildren and I just have to ask, are we doing as good a job with our children as they did? It is really easy to pick out the short falls of family members surrounding me who are absolutely NOT honoring their Godly duties today but I won't because I have realized two things. One, there is nothing I can do about the choices they make; that is God's business. And two, these people in their current condition have nothing Godly to offer anyway. So, I have a big job to do with my own family to pass on the love of Jesus in a way that will "stick" the way Delma and Mac did for me. That means training, teaching and most importantly: living it. The desire of my heart has been to KNOW what I am to do in this season of my life and it was Delma who answered me and reminded me of what the most important thing was for me when I was the ages of my own children.
At church this weekend, our pastor was talking about what it truly means to be "saved" and if you don't know, you should check it out. It really hit the nail on the head especially in reference to children. He talked about a family whose son had tragically been killed because of a corrupt lifestyle and the parents justified his lifestyle by saying, "Well, he said the sinner's prayer when he was four years old so he is in Heaven." And our pastor asked, did the child know what he was saying at four years old? And if he did, where was the evidence? The evidence of being "born again" is a changed life. A changed life is not a perfect life, but it IS a life where you don't actively knowingly disobey God's laws. Samuel NEVER said a sinners prayer. He never understood that aspect of salvation. The thief on the cross who was crucified with Jesus never said the sinner's prayer. He believed that Jesus was who He claimed to be and because of his faith, Jesus told him that he would be with Him in Paradise. When you call upon the name of the Lord, you have to first believe that He IS Lord. You can say a sinners prayer all you want but if you don't believe, it is empty words. Ephesians 2: 8-10. For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them So, scripture proves that it is by our faith in Jesus as Lord that we are saved and after that, we are "born again" for GOOD works which God has prepared for us. God has a plan for us as followers of Christ. It doesn't say we just say a sinners prayer for "fire insurance" and then do whatever we so desire. Samuel BELIEVED in Jesus. When Jesus taught in scripture he told the multitudes to humble themselves like little children who accept Jesus readily with incredible faith. If you do that, you will be considered great in the Kingdom of God.
Matthew 18:2-7 says Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among the people. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea."
How do you follow Jesus? First you accept Him with a child like faith if you are no longer a child, then you train your own children while they are young and have such incredible faith. And DO NOT lead them into temptation. It is really easy to lead someone into sin and oh so hard to lead them out. People have marveled at "my" faith but stop for a minute and marvel at Samuel's given all he endured here. I imagine Samuel will be one of the great ones in Heaven and I am so proud of him. He called out to Jesus to help him so many times and Jesus responded every time. Not only that, Samuel had the "evidence" of Jesus in him throughout the entire illness, beginning to end. He was sealed with the promise of the Holy Spirit, which is Jesus's "engagement ring" to His family, His followers. Samuel had the same love inside him that Delma had, the love of Jesus. Had he been healed and continued to grow up on the earth, the knowledge of Jesus in him would eventually be lost of we did not make Jesus part of our lives daily. It is amazing how in the Old Testament even the Israelites who were led by God Himself went their own ways when His Laws did not pass from generation to generation. If the leader was not reminding them daily about God and His laws, they quickly abandoned God and got into trouble. Delma and Mac were leaders and when they passed the torch to the next generations, it is amazing to see how so many houses fell apart because while people knew about God, they chose their own ways. Well, not in my house. My family may be separated, but it won't be forever. We are certain of where Samuel is. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—2 Corinthians 4:8-9. In the midst of all this, we are all God's children and He always restores what stupid satan destroys.
Our children need to know who they are in Christ, they need to know about their ancestors in Biblical History, and they absolutely need to know what God says about the times we live in. These are things Delma taught us all the time when she was here. The Bible is not just a dead letter, it is not boring, it is absolutely fascinating and children feel secure when they know what God says about them. That means that we as parents need to figure it out if we haven't already. I believe in getting Biblical teaching from a variety of sources and have incorporated this Messianic study into our week because it is incredible and the kids are enjoying the teachings. It brings the Old Testament and New Testament heritage together as well as relating it to the times we live in, and the times which are yet to come. My children, being homeschooled, are very well aware of current events, the economy, the election, and the wars abroad. They take comfort in knowing that God knows the end already and they are not just stuck on this earth during a tumultuous time at the mercy of whomever. We are called live in this time and the time is at hand, now more than ever, to take hold of our heritage with our Father God, and root our children securely in Him so that no matter what happens on this earth they will know who to call upon in times of trouble. If they suddenly fall off a cliff, they and we will be certain of where they are going and will be able to wave at each other and call out, "See you in Heaven." Delma and Mac used to ask us OFTEN, "If you died today, where would you go? Are you sure?" It used to drive me insane when they asked, but I understand why they did it. They knew that if we stop thinking about God, we wander off toward destruction and death. And I am glad they did it. God's instructions to me are clear today. It is time to get our houses in order before doing anything that is not eternal in the world. Don't put it off.
10/17/08
Yesterday was one of those long days for me. Suddenly, I have all this time that I never used to have. When did I ever have this much free time? I can't remember. Throughout Samuel's illness, it was one thing after the next and I lost so many parts of who I was during that time. It is hard to remember what I even used to enjoy sometimes. Everything has changed. I have changed.
I spent yesterday thinking about Samuel being able to be a child in Heaven. I thought of him playing and running around laughing. After this week's revelation from God that I shared in the previous update, I just have been thanking God for allowing Samuel to have a childhood to enjoy. There wasn't much enjoyment here. All the innocence stolen from him here has certainly been restored to him in Heaven. I have to think there was an adjustment period for him though because being carefree was something he never understood. In his last days here when he would wake from napping at odd hours, he would sit up so quickly that he would get dizzy. Almost like he forgot he was sick or was not aware of where he was. I would ask him what he was dreaming about and it was always the same. "I was playing." I was always relieved to hear that. After all he had been through and was currently enduring, I was hoping he wasn't having nightmares along with it. A day or two before he left us, he woke up from a nap on the couch, sat up abruptly and tried to rip his port out. He said, "No more port medicine." I have been reminded of that a few times this past week. I think he was dreaming of life in Heaven during that last week here. I think God was preparing him through dreams of what was to follow. He would wake up almost annoyed that he was still here.
It is so comforting to have God reveal things to me and I look forward to what He has to share. I am getting better at noticing the signs. It helps me feel closer to Samuel and it eases the heartache. But there are still those times when that aching seeps in anyway. It has been awhile since I have gotten a message from Samuel and as I thought about that yesterday, I just figured that he is busy playing and living the kind of life he never had here. It is a bittersweet thought. I am happy for him. I thank God for it. But it hurts to not be a part of it.
I have thought a lot about Samuel's understanding of his life here. When someone dies, you often ask yourself questions like, "Did they know how much I loved them? Did they know how I felt about such and such?" God answered some of my questions this week. What is Samuel doing up there? Why is he there and not here? I always ask God what Samuel is doing up there especially at night when I go to bed. "What did Samuel do today? Make sure Delma gives him a hug for me and a bunch of kisses"
When I start thinking about Samuel's four years of misery, I usually end up in tears. Can't help it. Most of it was so miserable for him. During these moments I cry out to God and ask if Samuel knows how much we wanted to fix things. Does he know how it broke our hearts over and over to watch how out of control things got. Does he know that even when we were forced to leave him for surgery, ICU crap, etc. that we hated every minute of it? Does he know I ALWAYS wanted to be there? Always? Does he know that I was always waiting for him, that I did not ever leave him? Does he REALLY understand how much we loved him? Does he know how much it hurts me to not have him here? It is hard to live with all the questions I want to hear the answers from Samuel on. Some are hard to put into words because they are so deeply rooted. Most of them start with, "Does he know?"
Samuel hears me. He feels me. He answers me with words that touch all those deeply rooted questions. He continues to be amazing. While I cannot physically touch him, he can touch and heal my spirit and wipe the tears. Why am I still amazed by this?
Last night, after dinner, Kaysha joined me to watch an interview with Martina McBride. I was hoping that they would play some more concert footage because I like a lot of her songs but it was mainly just talk. They were asking her about her song choices for this year's tour and she mentioned that she has had to omit songs which people still ask for. A couple about to be married asked her to sing "There You Are," at a concert but she said she had completely forgotten the words. One of her band members found the lyric sheet so she sang it for these people but said she butchered it badly which I find hard to believe. We saw her live here when Samuel was a tiny baby in a sling. He got to go! Anyway, this is a song I used to know and love so I tried to remember the lyrics but could not. So I made a mental note to play the CD sometime just to refresh my memory since I have all this time nowadays.
I had been tired all day yesterday for some unknown reason so I decided to go to bed earlier than usual. Once I got into bed, however, I could not sleep. No problem, I just talked to God. After about an hour of that, I figured He must be quite tired of me and I started thinking about that 4PM cup of coffee. Obviously a bad decision. I started feeling like I should go check my e-mail. I don't know why but I just knew there was something in it waiting for me. I told myself I would probably walk downstairs to find nothing and be more awake than ever. But the thought would not leave me alone or let me sleep. "Go check your e-mail." Another 30 minutes passed and the thought would not go away in spite of me ignoring them. I decided I could go take some of Samuel's sleepytime herbs and then I would be able to get to sleep. I could check the e-mail and it would not be a wasted trip. Perhaps then I could sleep. I walked into the kitchen and for a moment it felt like the many nights when I would come downstairs to get Samuel something. Medicine, IV crap, something. In the middle of the night, it was never good. Nothing in the kitchen has changed and for a second, I could almost pretend he was upstairs waiting for me. It felt like Samuel was here...waiting. I shook it off reminding myself that the house STILL lies.
On so many of those nights taking care of Samuel, I would check e-mail hoping to have a message of encouragement, something, anything that would help. A lot of times there was something waiting and for that moment at 2am or whatever time it was, I wasn't alone. Someone was praying. It felt so much like "old times" that I decided to play along with the feelings. I walked through the kitchen thinking of the night God told me that Samuel chose to stay here because he loved us that much. I remember exactly where I was standing when He said it. I wrote that day that Samuel was Divine Love. I walked to the desk and sure enough, there was a message. These days, the updates are mainly for my benefit. God always rewards me with more insight as I type all these things out. Writing has become a gift of sorts and while I hear from friends a few times a week, there certainly are not daily messages, nightly messages or for that matter, anticipated messages. There was no reason for me to expect a message because it is not normal anymore. Anyway, I read the note and embraced the love sent from my friend Sue, who knows loss, and has "adopted" me. I thought that was it. I read it, done, take herbs, go to bed. I walked into the kitchen to get Samuel's tincture. As I rounded the corner, I heard, "Did you miss that? Didn't that note have "There You Are" in it? I stopped in my tracks. Did it? I walked back and opened it up to read it again. It did. The name of the song which stuck out to me like a sore thumb is in this note. I am learning how these signs work and "someone" told me not to miss it. I found it online and played it. Did it remind me of Samuel? A little but some of the lines don't fit. I reread Sue's note again and found language and context clues I did not see before. I KNEW that I was brought downstairs to find something. That feeling, that voice would not let me sleep. I KNEW that the moment I stepped foot at the bottom of the stairs and walked into the kitchen, it felt JUST like it did when I got up take care of Samuel. I KNEW that I felt Samuel when I walked into the kitchen. Then it hits me. The song is FROM Samuel. Not about Samuel. And he used one of my "God" friends to deliver it. Sue's husband and Samuel must be up there laughing! Interesting that after that revelation, I took Samuel's medicine and was able to sleep well. I found what I did not know I was looking for. I am noticing a song theme here lately. I think Samuel and God want me to sing again....I feel that longing.
Once again, Samuel reached into my heart and answered all those questions that have been burning inside me. He knows. He understands. He answered all the things I asked about his life here on earth but also left me with the feeling that HE told me to go downstairs and get this message and that HE was there watching when I did it. I sure felt him. I tried to ignore it, but he would not let me.
There you are in the early light of day
There you are in the quiet words I pray
I've been blessed by the simple happiness
Of the perfect love we've made
Every time I turn around
When I'm lost and when I'm found
Like an angel standing guard
There you are
Every time I take a breath
And when I forget to breathe
You're watching over me
There you are
When I'm looking for the light
In the middle of the night
Searching for the brightest star
There you are
There you are in standing in a crowded room
There you are the earth and I'm the moon
My desire is to stand by the fire
That burns inside of you
I found the verse in Song of Solomon and added to Samuel's picture above. "Love is more powerful than the grave." Do you doubt it?
This morning I found another treasure. Anna had a big mess in the back room which she was supposed to clean before going to Mark's parents for the night. Good motivation. However, I noticed she had all the books out and though I should go help her or she would ruin them trying to put them back. Now, we have went through these twice and any remnants of Samuel's work in them have been removed and packed away as keepsakes. Still I find an activity and sticker book I haven't seen in awhile. I open it up and it has been half done. There are letters, numbers, puzzles, dot to dot, matching, and dinos galore. Samuel did half the book. He wrote the entire alphabet, numbers to 20 and even did simple addition. There were puzzles which were to be put together with stickers and he did those. He traced letters of big words and matched dino to dino. How did I miss this? He wrote his 4's backward and his 5's like S's. It is treasure.
God left us some treasure at Bud's tonight as well. I asked Mark where we could pick apples to take him. So many trees around here with apples going to pot. He thought we could get some at his work tomorrow. When we pulled up to the gate tonight, I asked Mark what was on the fence posts. Apples! Someone had left apples on the fence posts where we park. It was COOL! Bud's feet are all fine now. No more limping.
God has been so good to me!
